Raw Draft Part 2

III. Chalk

            I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since I got the call that I was going on. Your first ever performance going on as a cover is a big thing, even though everyone sees you as a last resort and nothing more.

            My mom got the call that I was going on while I was at Hebrew School and she came to pick me up early. Everyone watched me enviously as I left class before they had to go back to writing alef-bet-vet in perfect script.

            Now that I’ve stopped home to get my stuff together, Dad and I head out. It’s an uneventful trip, unlike the one to my first ever performance a couple years ago. That night it took years for the train to come and I knew that if it didn’t my whole world would come tumbling down.

            We get to The Met and I tell my friends that I’m going on and they all hug me. Tonight I’m one of them.

            I only got to go on in one rehearsal and that was when one of the girls was out sick so I got to play hopscotch with my friends and they gave me the prettiest of the dolls that reminded me of Mimì from Boheme. But us covers all took turns going on for sick kids in rehearsals so it didn’t make me special. This makes me special.

            I shrink a little from the glares of the four other covers, none of whom have gone on yet and there’s only a couple shows left. They want to suck the life out of me with those stares. I know that I only got picked to go on because I’m the right height, but as far as they’re concerned, I’m royalty.

            We get upstairs and warm up and there’s only fifteen of us so Tony is extra aware of me. I try to avoid eye contact which is easy enough considering I can’t see anything very well without my glasses. I’m not used to singing the boys’ part and I’m worried I’ll mess up and he’ll throw me out so I sing quietly, going off of the boys on either side of me.

            When the warm-up is over the other covers have to leave but I get to stay. It’s time to get in costume now so I go to the girl’s dressing room which smells like leaves and wood. The other girls get easily into their light dresses, except for Tati who squeezes herself into a boy’s costume. She’s in the cast but she’s also the cover for the solo because of her Russian, and she prays every night that Nathan won’t get sick so she won’t have to do it.

            One of the costumers hands me a boy’s costume like Tati’s with Richard’s name taped onto it and I stare at it for a moment uncomprehendingly. When I don’t take it from her she says “This will be your costume tonight. It’s Richard’s.”

            I stop myself from snapping that I know it’s Richard’s – I’m not a dummy. But instead I say “But… I have to be a boy?”

            This makes the other girls laugh a little. “You were singing the boys’ part during the warm-up,” one remarks.

            I still don’t reach for the costume. Now my costumer is getting impatient. “What, did you expect us to make a new costume for you? Take this and get changed fast. I don’t want Tony to blame it on me if you’re late.”

            I resist telling her that no one here wants Tony to blame anything on them. Ever. I take the costume and get changed into the pants that look baggy on me but I’m sure looked just fine on Richard. I put on his shirt that smells like boy and the socks and the shoes. The jacket comes next and after the dresser says “Now you need to get the hat and the wig on. Go out to the hairdresser and he’ll sort you out.”

            I want to ask her what she means by wig but I’ve already made enough trouble so I get up and leave. The hairdresser sticks a couple million pins in my hair before putting a curly brown wig (which confuses me considering my hair is already both curly and brown) onto my head and then the hat. As he’s sticking in some more pins to secure it, Tony pops his head out, saying “We’re starting the warm-up.” He doesn’t sound very happy. Then again, he never sounds very happy.

            The hairdresser curtly tells him that he’ll let me go in as soon as he’s finished his job. Tony’s face turns red but he goes back inside and shuts the door.

            When I’m done I go in for the warm-up and for a moment I think Tony doesn’t recognize me. I don’t think any of the kids do either. I fit into the boy costume easily, considering my chest is about as flat as some of the notes the kids in front of me belt out. They’ve just never thought of me as a boy before. Tony loves his boys, and his girls that he considers boys, but I’ve always been a girl to him, to all of them – a weakness on my part.

            When we’re done warming up the buzzer calls us downstairs but before I can get in line Benji stops me. “You haven’t learned the choreography yet. Let me teach you.”

            “Choreography?” I ask.

            He nods. “We march onstage and it’s very important you know where to march and when.” He seems a little miffed when I’m still dumbstruck. “Didn’t you watch the rehearsals?”

            I nod, yes I watched the rehearsals. I remember sitting in the second row with the other covers and two of the wranglers. I was watching and I made a comment that one of the kids Yves was doing a great job pretending to be a boy. One of the wranglers looked at me strangely, saying that Yves is a boy and hadn’t I noticed? And I shook my head because Yves looked like a girl and sang like a girl and I thought that meant he was a girl so I shrank into my seat, trying not to look more stupid than I already did.

            When he realizes that I picked up none of the choreography because I was always watching the girls in rehearsals and not the boys because I never thought I’d have to do the boys’ part, Benji sighs and quickly walks me through it, ignoring Tony’s calls to hurry up.

            He does a step and then I copy and it occurs to me that we’re almost dancing which would be sweet and maybe the best thing. But then I remember that we’re marching not dancing, and when he touches my back I understand that it’s because I’m one of the boys tonight.

            We finally head downstairs and I’m a little out of breath so I walk slow. Benji starts talking about his composition classes and he probably thinks that I’m not listening but I am. I always listen, to everything.

            When we get to the stage I’m scared and I remember that I need to steal something tonight so I tell my friends to keep an eye out. I get in the boys’ line behind Benji and in front of Tati and then suddenly we’re marching onstage and I take extra care to not step on his heels.

            Onstage everything goes fine. I don’t mess up, not that I notice. I fake my way through the choreography but not the singing. I try to be honest towards the singing which is hard.

            We get offstage and all the boys are slapping me on the back until I feel it bruising. We meet up with the girls who hug me and one of them grins, handing me the chalk that was her prop onstage and that she “forgot” to leave onstage. She’s batting her eyelashes at me which is something that girls never did to me when I was girl because that would be weird. Now it makes me uncomfortable but I take the chalk. I roll it between my fingers and they turn white. “I’m going to need a bag for this,” I say.

            We get out of costume and I’m almost expecting Tony to say something to me but the best I get is a stiff nod that I think was aimed in my direction. But trust me, you take what you can get.

            When I get home I take a bath to get the boy smell off of me and my dad tells me how he watched me on the monitor and how great I was. “Couldn’t tell you apart from the others,” he says proudly. “You fit right in with all those boys.”

IV. Rose

            I’ve been trying not to think about it since I found out I was leaving, by avoiding calendars and reassuring myself that I always had x number of hour left, but it never works. Your last performance is a big thing, one that many people dread and a few look forward to.

            I wake up like it’s any other day and go to physical therapy for my wacky knee where my favorite therapist Brian tells me he’s moving to Alabama and starts talking about how “Change is good” and all that and I almost break down right there.

            I sit in the lobby with a box of cookies from Fairway in my lap that we’re going to eat after today’s show is done. When class gets out all the munchkins emerge and look greedily at the cookies that aren’t for them. Everyone has heard about my leaving thanks to Tony’s big-ass announcement so I get some pitying glances from some kids and their mommies.

            We head upstairs and I try to not let my fingers linger too long on the lockers because this is just any other day. Upstairs everyone is hugging me and my friends talk excitedly about the plans we’ve made for after the show and who’s coming but I can’t think that far ahead. Tony hugs me, something I’ve almost gotten used to over the past week and Alice my favorite wrangler gives me a bouquet of lollipops with sweet labels on them because she’s always been looking out for me.

            We warm up and then get into costume. After fifteen performances this costume has become my skin and I dread peeling it off when the curtain goes down. I get makeup and hair and I’m ready.

            We all sit together and warm up again and I’m sitting with my friends today because not even Tony can stop us from sitting where we want. We get called and go downstairs and we’re backstage. We hug each other and dance together during the overture. Before it’s time to go on I hear someone tell me to make it count.

            Onstage I march and sing my heart out and try to make my angry faces go up to standing room where I know Tati is braving her fear of heights for me. We run and jump and I try to steal beer from one of the guys at the bar and then we’re offstage and my eyes water a little then but not much because I’m still busy catching my breath.

            We all go upstairs and Tony praises our good work and we sit together and debrief on who did what bizarre thing to which person. When that’s done it’s time for the break which I spend taking a gazillion pictures with my Polaroid of people and I. Suddenly kids I’ve barely talked to want a Polaroid with me as a keepsake. We watch some funny videos and reminisce about old times and I think how lucky I am. The break is over in a flash and we’re back in our seats to warm up for Act IV. I put my all in and then we’re heading downstairs and I cling to every locker and every brick of every wall.

            I savor every note of Act IV as petals rain down on us while we sang and laugh. When we exit I look out at the audience a few more times over my shoulder and then it’s done.

            Upstairs Tony tells me that I can make a speech but suddenly I’m crying and can only muster an “I love you guys” before I excuse myself to get the cookies. We eat and tears are shed and I go around and try to dry every single one with a big hug because I don’t want any of them to cry for me in a million years.

            I’m a bit surprised when the little boys I barely know start crying too so I give them extra cookies to make them stop. When we’ve finished the cookies we head downstairs to where my parents are waiting. Tati’s brought me flowers and I have another cookie. I say goodbye to a bunch of the kids and then to the wranglers and finally to Tony who tells me to stay in touch and it’s more cordial than affectionate but I know he’s trying.

            My friends went to wait outside for me and when I emerge from the stage door they start clapping for me and I try to take a snapshot of this moment to remember forever because this is why I love them. This and when we first got upstairs from Act IV and they showered stolen rose petals on me and I caught every one, every single one, because they are flowers that will outlast this springtime.